Why I Don’t Like Officer Carl

You guys saw me on my little sister’s web show (iCarly) tonight, but you didn’t see what happened later, after the show. The BIG sign that Freddie and I made WENT CRAZY and caused 29 car crashes, so I was running away when these two cops GRABBED ME and put me in handcuffs. I wasn’t officially “arrested,” but the cops were really mad. See, when the sign went crazy, it spelled Pee On Carl – and one of the cops was NAMED Carl! Talk about bad luck.  Anyway, they brought me home and took the handcuffs off me. 

But here’s the weird thing…I asked the cop (Carl) for some lotion because the handcuffs made my wrists hurt. Officer Carl said he didn’t have any lotion. But then he came back in and showed me he DID have lotion…WHICH HE REFUSED TO LET ME USE! What is up with that? And even WORSE, it was CUCUMBER-MELON lotion, which is, like, the BEST LOTION of all. Why would Officer Carl TEASE ME by showing me that awesome lotion — even letting me SNIFF IT — and then not give it to me? How lame is that?

Oh yeah, remember when I stepped on my taco? I went back the next day and took a picture of it! Here it is:
 

1. He smells like onion rings.
2. He didn’t care about the taco I stepped on.
3. He put handcuffs on me (which kinda hurt).
4. He has long nose hairs (I suggested he trim them, but he just gave me a dirty look).
5. He didn’t share his lotion with me.
6. He hates big signs that light up.
7. He does not like sculptures.
8. His police car was not comfortable.
9. He kept bragging about his nightstick.
10. When he was driving me home, he refused to stop at Inside Out Burger.
11. He thinks vegetables are better than pizza (yeah, RIGHT).
12. He got super mad when I called him a “police woman.”
13. He wouldn’t let me play with the siren in his police car.

Many Reasons Why I Do NOT like Officer Carl

My EMBARRASSING Dream

Interesting week. Two words: THE FIRECRACKER!!! Yep, that’s the dance I invented when I was in 10th grade. It’s awesome — I move all around in a FIERY EXPLOSION of FLAILING LIMBS and FLOPPY PASSION. I wanted to show it to Carly but I COULDN’T FIND MY HELMET! It was so frustrating. I had to rip my room apart to find it — but I finally did. But then nobody wanted to see me do the Firecracker (they were all too tired), so I just took a nap. And then…OMG…ummm…I had a DREAM. I think I liked it (but i’m not sure). It was a little embarrassing — actually, A LOT embarrassing. I don’t want you to see it. So, DO NOT click on the link below. Don’t do it! DON’T CLICK THE LINK BELOW! AND DON’T LOOK AT MY PICTURE BELOW!

EMBARRASSING DANCE LINK

Hey!  If you wanna see me DANCE THE FIRECRACKER, you CAN click on the link below!

I DANCE THE FIRECRACKER! LINK

 

What a Strawberry Splat MIGHT Say to a Blueberry Banana!

Whenever Carly goes to The Groovy Smoothie, I ask her to get me one. I USED to get the “Strawberry Splat” smoothie, but then I switched to the “Blueberry Banana” smoothie. If a “Strawberry Splat” smoothie had a CONVERSATION with a “Blueberry Banana” smoothie, WHAT WOULD THEY SAY? I think it MIGHT go something like this…

Blueberry Banana: Hey. How’s it goin’?
Strawberry Splat: I hate you!
Blueberry Banana: Why???!? What did I do???
Strawberry Splat: Spencer USED to love MEEE! 
Blueberry Banana: Well, sorry. It’s not my fault I taste better than you.
Strawberry Splat: That’s a lie! I’m VERY tasty! Way tastier than you!
Blueberry Banana: Oh YEAH? Then why does Spencer wanna taste ME now, and NOT YOU anymore?
Strawberry Splat: I don’t know! You’re evil!
Blueberry Banana: No — you’re just MAD ‘cuz  I’m a newer, better, and younger smoothie than you.  You WERE tasty – like 3 years ago – but that was then.  I’M what Spencer wants NOW. 
Strawberry Splat: I’m STILL yummy, no matter what you say!
Blueberry Banana: Not really. You used to be all smooth and good. But now, you’re too thick and lumpy. Why don’t you join a gym or somethin’?
Strawberry Splat: You are so mean! Blueberries are stupid! They aren’t even blue! They’re PURPLE! Admit it!
Blueberry Banana: No! And strawberries are weirdly shaped and have big pores! 
Strawberry Splat: I just want Spencer to love me again!
Blueberry Banana: Hey, we all WANT things. Maybe you can date Lewbert.  But as for SPENCER – I’M the smoothie he wants to be drinking now.
Strawberry Splat: Maybe. Until The Groovy Smoothie starts selling their NEW flavor next month: KIWI-PEACH!!! I hear it’s gonna be the prettiest new smoothie EVER!
Blueberry Banana: What?!?!?!?!?!!
Strawberry Splat: Yep. LOL. Hahahahahaha. Loser!
Blueberry Banana: Awwwwwww!!!!!  Poo!!!

This I-M conversation has been entirely made-up by me.  Thank you.  –Spencer

 

Nevel’s Mom’s TAPENADE recipe REVEALED!!!

A VERY BAD Halloween Mistake

My name is Spencer and I did something very NOT smart.  I forgot to buy candy on Halloween! And let me tell ya somethin’ — NEVER FORGET TO BUY CANDY ON HALLOWEEN! And just to make sure you get the point, I wrote a little poem for you. Here goes… 

“NEVER FORGET TO BUY CANDY ON HALLOWEEN”
by Spencer

I love Halloween, it’s a night that is cool…
When old people sleep, sometimes they drool…

This Halloween, I got a HUGE pumpkin…
(nothing rhymes with “pumpkin” so I’m just gonna keep going)…

So large was my pumpkin, it took hours to carve…
I didn’t eat dinner, I started to starve…

But I kept on carving ’til my Jack-O-Lantern was done…
It was gigantic and scary, like snot on a bun…

But then it got later, and the trick-or-treaters came…
They DEMANDED some candy — those kids were INSANE…

Since I didn’t have candy, and I wanted no grouches…
I gave the kids ice cubes, and tuna in pouches…

But did that make them happy? Oh no, it did NOT…
They wanted to hit me and beat me A LOT…

I got really scared, so I hid in my pumpkin
(again, nothing rhymes with “pumpkin” so I’m just gonna keep going)…

I thought I was safe, ’til LEWBERT came by…
He let the kids in my house!  I thought I would die…

I kept hiding to stop this bad situation…
Then Socko called, which revealed my location…

One of those kids was a very mean hater…
He made the kids roll me into my elevator…

Trapped in my pumpkin, I was frightened and scared…
There was no way to get out! I wasn’t prepared…

Then twelve rotten kids rolled me into the street…
Some cars almost hit me…this trick was NO treat…

So always remember: some kids can be mean…
So MAKE SURE you buy candy for next Halloween.

My poem is done, so I think I’ll stop now…
Some day I hope to squeeze milk from a cow.

MY AWESOME DATING TIPS

10 Questions for Rudolph

(Santa’s reindeer)

Dear Rudolph,

I am making a sculpture of you.  It will be made out of fudge.  I’m using a special nutless Fudge (which contains no nuts).  When the sculpture is done, the red nose will LIGHT UP and everything.  Anyway, since I am making a sculpture of you, I feel I should know more about you, as a reindeer.  I realize it’s the Christmas season, but if you can find some time, please respond to my questions below:

Question #1:  What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Question #2:  Why doesn’t Santa simply buy a new sleigh with lights on it, so he can leave you alone?

Question #3:  Do your friends call you Rudy?  Does anyone call you “Rudy-Roo-Roo?”

Question #4:  How do you remember where every boy and girl lives?  (Seriously, that’s a lot of people.)

Question #5:  Are you friends with other famous animals, like, maybe the pig from that pig movie?  If you are, would you eat bacon in front of your pig friend?  

Question #6:  When you go to sleep, do you turn your nose off?  How?  Does it have a wireless remote?
Question #7:  Back to your pig friend (if he is your friend).  If you and your pig friend were stranded on a deserted island, and you started to get very hungry, would you eat your pig friend?  If so, how would you explain this to him before you ate him?

Question #8:  What happens to your red nose when you sneeze? Do you get an electric shock?  Does your snot (a.k.a. mucus) glow red?  Have you ever sneezed on your pig friend?

Question #9:  How often do you have to change your nose-bulb?  And where do you buy nose-bulbs?  Do you order them online?

Question #10:  If you ate your pig friend, do you think it would end the friendship?

Thank you.  If you answer all my questions, I will send you 9 ounces of nutless fudge.

Sincerely,
–Spencer

PS: Tell Santa I’d really like to get a guitar video game for Christmas!  With an extra guitar, please.

WHERE is LEWBERT?!?!?!

HEYYY to you people who LOVE my little sister Carly’s web show! It is I,  Spencer (her brother, in case ya don’t know). So, Freddie tells me that a lotta you guys have been sending text-messages to iCarly.com asking what our psycho doorman LEWBERT has been up to. He’s been “absent” from work the past couple of weeks, so we’re wondering where Lewbert is, too. So we emailed his mother to ask her where her freakish son Lewbert has been. Here’s the nice email she wrote back to us:

EMAIL FROM LEWBERT’S MOM (AGE 56)
Dear people at iCarly,

When he was 5, Lewbert picked his nose WITH A FORK!

When he was 7, he BIT OFF one of his own TOES!

When he was 9, he had a birthday party but NOBODY SHOWED UP! (I laughed my butt off.  HA!!!)

When he was 12, his cheek wart started to grow. HE NAMED IT “MR. FACE-LUMP.”

When he was 15, I caught him eatin worms he found under a WET LOG! Shut up!!!

When he was 19, he fell out a car that was goin 90 miles an hour! (His wart popped, but two weeks later it was puffy again.)

When he was 22, he asked a girl to marry him. She had hairy legs and said NO (then she called the cops).

When he was 30, I accidentally slammed my car door on his tongue. I left him there for two hours.  HA!!! He couldn’t even call for help because his tongue was skwished in the car door! HAHAHAHAA!!!

When he was 35, he won 7 million dollars in the state lottery… SO I FLUSHED HIS WINNING TICKET DOWN THE TOILET! THEN I SAID, “TOUGH LUCK, LEWBERT!” HE CRIED LIKE A BABY DUCK! LOL!So, anyway, I don’t know where Lewbert is. Now SHUT UP!Best Regards,Lewbert’s Mom

 

Why I Will NEVER Ride The Bus Again!

Yo ho!  It is me, Spencer (older brother of Carly). Okay, so recently I’ve had some BAD LUCK while riding the BUS. So, I decided I’m NEVER getting on a bus again! I am so serious.

Last week, not only did a hobo spill chili on me but he ATE it off me… WITHOUT A SPOON!!! It was so wrong. And it tickled.

This week I fell asleep on a bus and ended up in CANADA — which I thought was a nice country until I realized their “bacon” (you know, “Canadian bacon”) is nothing more than plain ol’ HAM! Well… HAM IS HAM! You can’t take a slice of HAM and just say it’s BACON. Come on, Canada! You can’t do that. Think about it, Canada…

How would YOU feel if I (an American) held up a piece of BALONEY and said, “Look, everyone! This is American SAUSAGE!” You guys would be all, “No, that’s NOT sausage — that’s a slice of BALONEY!” And you’d be RIGHT. We’ve gotta be HONEST, people. I would never show Canadians a piece of baloney and pretend I had a sausage. That’s not right. Anyway…

You may think it’s wrong of me to give up riding the bus forever. But you don’t know the OTHER STUFF that’s happened to me while riding the bus. So, here’s a list of ALL THE BAD THINGS that have happened to me on the bus:

One time the bus stunk (because the bus driver had not taken a bath in MONTHS). That bus smelled so RANK I stuck my head out the window — and it got STUCK!!! I kept yelling, “Please, help me squeeze my head back into the bus!!!” — but no one helped me.  I’d STILL have my head stuck in that window if it wasn’t for a nice lady who rubbed chicken fat all over my head and yanked me back in.   

One time the Seattle Museum of Wax people asked me to make a wax sculpture of my little sister Carly (since she’s famous now cuz of iCarly). So, I made a life-size wax sculpture of Carly and took it on the bus, to take it to the museum. Well, the dumb bus driver tried to charge me for TWO PEOPLE! I kept saying, “Dude, this girl is made of WAX!” And he said, “Sorry, a girl’s a girl no matter what she’s made of.”  So I said, “You’re being so frustrating!”  And then the bus’s air-conditioner broke and my “Wax Carly” MELTED into nothing more than a sad puddle of Carly juice.   

Three months ago, I’m standing there, waiting for the bus… and a bee stung my nose. Since I’m allergic to bees, my nose swelled up to the size of a grapefruit! I know it was that big cuz when the bus pulled up, the bus driver looked at me and said, “Whoa, I ain’t lettin’ no grapefruit-nosed man on my bus!” And then he just drove off! He left me standing there alone with my huge nose. As I stood there thinking what to do next, a dog peed on my foot.   

Two Thanksgivings ago, I took the bus to Yakima to visit my grandfather (who I don’t enjoy).  And get this: just as we got to Yakima, the bus driver has a SNEEZING FIT and drove right into the YAKIMA RIVER! I had to eat my Thanksgiving dinner with WET PANTS.So, I’M DONE WITH THE BUS! No more buses for me.  Now… I BLADE. 

“How to Get Detention” by Sam!

Hey, it’s me Sam. So, as you prolly know, I’m almost always in detention. Why? ’Cuz I deserve it. Yeah, baby! But I gotta say that this week, my teacher Mr. Howard was out of his mind. iGot detention and it was totally UNFAIR.

Here’s what happened…

I was throwing a football in the school hallway when Mr. Howard’s big fat head appeared outta NOWHERE. The ball hit him right in the face, and he took a pretty good tumble down the stairs. It was crazy funny — you shoulda seen it.

But it wasn’t funny when the dude gave me detention on the night of our 50th Web Show Spectacular — CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! Man, I need a cheeseburger. Sorry, my mind wandered. Anyway, I don’t think I shoulda got detention for that football thing. HIS face got in the way of MY football.  Not my fault. Besides, there’s lots worse stuff I could do to get detention.

In fact, here’s a whole list of worse stuff I could do to get detention. I could…

(1)  Run around the cafeteria grabbing kids’ food and stuffing it down their pants.

(2)  Set up a booth in the school hallway taking donations for myself. I’ll call it the “Sam Needs Ham” drive. Ham rocks!!!

(3)  Hand out papers with Miss Briggs home address, then invite all the neighborhood hobos to a free brunch at Miss Briggs’ house.

(4)  Hide in the boys bathroom, wait ’til some dude starts to pee, then SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

(5)  Sneak in Miss Briggs house (again)… go into her shower… and replace her shampoo with Loony Glue.

(6)  Use tape to put training bras all over Principal Franklin’s mini van (cuz there’s nothing more embarrassing than driving around in light blue mini van covered with training bras).

(7)  Pretend like I can’t hear anybody and scream everything I have to say for 7 entire days.

(8)  Go to a chicken farm. Buy 300 pounds of chicken poo.  Bring chicken poo to school. Push Gibby into gigantic pile of chicken poo. Then go, “Hey. What happened there, Gibby?”

(9)  Spray paint Mr. Howard’s butt purple.

(10)  Sneak into the school nurse’s office and replace all aspirin with small rocks.

(11)  Walk to pet store. Buy all animals in pet store.  Take pets back to school. Release pets in school hallway.

(12)  Go to school wearing my bra on the OUTSIDE of my shirt.

Ya know what? I think I’m gonna try all these. They sound pretty cool.

Sam out.